Dear friends,

Another half a year gone and we are proceeding in full speed into Q3. As we grow older, time becomes more fleeting. We get busier with life and sometimes too busy to make heads or tails of it. What are we all chasing for if it is all going to end up meaningless? If it is all about personal glory, what is really the point of living all alone?

After some of my own episodes through my illness and medical hardships, I have come to be thankful for the tiniest things. I am very happy to be able to walk (even with a slight unsteady gait) and wear pretty shoes, instead of being permanently paralyzed from the waist down. Being able to put one foot before another and get forward, is a very big thing for me.

When I was recovering from the first spinal operation to remove the tumours at age 17, I was already entering into a paraplegic phase. The doctor told my folks that there was only 20% chance of me ever getting back on my feet again, and if I did succeed, one leg will be smaller and shorter than the other. When I turned 19, not only was I on my feet, I was wearing heels and had picked up ballroom dancing – much to my doctors’ delight and amazement. I never understood that it was a true miracle because I was too young to comprehend the matters of life and death. Interestingly, the method to overcome it could have been due to not being exposed to the fullest magnitude of my hardships. If I had understood it better, I would have done a lot more with that liberty to run, jump, dance, et cetera. Perhaps I should have gone and become more professional in my dance, now I can’t do that even if I wanted to.

My second paralysis came about when I was 27, we found the same tumours but this time coiled around the spinal cord at the same regions. The complications were a lot greater, with the scar tissues welded into thousands of blood vessels, along with old tumours that stuck like 10-year-old chewing gum on concrete, and brand new tumour cells. It was like a lethal snake detrimental to my future. We had it removed and in the process I have lost sensations in my legs due to the trauma the operation incurred upon my spinal cord. It is a miracle to be standing, let alone walking. Once again, I thank providence for making the best surgeons available to me. It could have been a lot worse.

The difference between me and someone perfectly normal and healthy, is that I do not feel most of my legs and I walk with my eyes to watch out for uneven floors, steps, obstacles, et cetera. I cannot run, jump, balance, wear slippers or high heels. My left leg does not have JPS (joint position sense) and my right leg has no temperature sense – meaning we could barbecue my right leg and I will still be able to have a jolly chat with people without realising that it is hurting. I am not able to sense the pain if I had injured myself, until I notice the blood. I have in the past walked on fractured bones and not realized it. My sensations are very different. Pain, itch, warmth, coldness – I do not feel the same and I am relearning everything again.

All said, I am still working towards another miracle. When it comes to the unachievable, I am rather greedy about challenging life! I want to walk, dance, hop, skip, cycle when that choice had been taken away from me. I want to help as many folks as I can in the process even when I am not in great abundance, but I want to spread happiness. Most people would expect me to wallow in self-pity but in fact I understand life a little better now with the wisdom I learnt from mistakes. I am able to see that my paralyses were blessings in my life, despite that I do not ever wish this journey for anybody. Perhaps it is better that I just share with others how to grow some gratitude.

Lately, the topic of compassion had been a challenging teacher. I have been stressed with the unnecessary things in life, dealing with ego and mental adversities, and human politics. It was really difficult not to feel hurt by it all.

When one is deliberately hurt by another, it is very hard indeed to be generous and forgiving. I know that we as human beings have a choice. We have choices to help others, and we have a choice to help ourselves. We have choices to stop the negativity and pull ourselves out of social adversities – but it takes great strength and self-control.

It is also very tough when one is offended by another, and the self-defense mechanism immediately puts up an ugly attack. People become self-righteous, the worst parts are the ignorance that amplify voices to a shameful decibel. We need to learn to be humble, I have found that to be the most valuable social tool in my life. Nothing earns respect the way humility does. I would like to share a motto that I had been using for the last 10 years on the message of my cellphone “Quiet discipline and humility.”
My idea of improving myself was to understand that there are many much greater things in this existence than me, that I should observe in silence and let life generously teach me lessons after lessons. Not always an easy feat to attempt when my self-importance is activated.

We should really co-exist in harmony, instead of grasping and needing things all the time. That greed is ugly and makes life ugly. The only greed we should have is to help countless others in the journey of our lives – every single second of it.

This is my birthday month but I have dedicated my time to help raise awareness for the launch of The Elena Cooke Education Fund on behalf of my old school BBGS, where Pavilion stands now. There will be a formal charity cocktail gala next week, August 4th 7pm in Pavilion Bintang Circle. It is open to public so anyone who is interested may dress up and join in the fun, the entrance is only RM80 per pax which will contribute to the good cause. Here is the hotline number to the event where you may purchase tickets 017 871 9357. If you do come, please make it a point to say hello to me.

If you happen to fly next month, please pick up a copy of August’s Going Places, the Merdeka Issue of Malaysia Airlines In Flight magazine. There I talked about dedicating our 2nd year anniversary to help The No Plastic Bag Bazaar organized by The Recyclist to give aid to Furry Farms and MNS. Did you know that Helping Angels was started on the eve Malaysia’s 50th Merdeka celebrations? Every year when Malaysia celebrate their Independence Day, angels all over the world rejoice for this movement to help others. So what better way to celebrate a birthday than to lend a hand to other causes? Helping Angels is turning 2 years old, please volunteer yourself to help out with No Plastic Bag Bazaar come August 31st, 2009. Let us all celebrate the friendship of this helpful network.

Love & Aspirations To All.

Yours, P